The past eight days have been heavy to say the least. I have felt compelled to write something concerning the events of last week. A family lost a wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, and nana. Our church lost another dear sister in Christ. Our exercise class lost a friend.
I finally sat down Monday to compose a few thoughts. I had Stuart review the essay before posting, and in short, he told me it was a mess (bless his heart). He was right. Because that is where my thoughts are right now, just a jumbled mess of trying to process a loss.
At the end of our conversation about my choppy thoughts, Stuart ever so sweetly gave me permission to let myself off the hook for something I didn’t realize I had latched onto in the first place. He told me that I, in fact, did not have to blog about the event. Not yet.
The thought had never entered my mind.
According to Strengths Finder, one of my top five strengths is discipline. Since starting a blog almost two years ago, I had never missed a weekly post. No one is forcing me to write or paying me to blog-posting weekly is just something I enjoy and feel compelled to do. So missing a post last week was a big deal. And following up a week like that with a topic other than mourning a loss and being broken hearted for a family seemed entirely insensitive, and as weird as it may sound, seemed simply impossible.
But the words will not come.
So here I am, the place where words are lost, where thoughts are unprocessed, and where I just…am. I look once again to Romans 8, the chapter containing our fitness class verse of the day last Monday which became a new reality on Tuesday morning.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.” (Romans 8:26-30)
This is where I find rest. No words are needed. The Spirit was interceding for me before I even knew I needed this kind of intercession. God is working all things for my good. I have the hope of glory. I can lay it down and just be in the presence of God.
You may be in a similar place-speechless yet longing to name your feelings. Allow the Spirit to intercede. Allow him to groan deeper than any word can describe. And give yourself permission to just be in the presence of God, the place where intercession happens beyond what any word could ever say.
For now, allow the words to remain lost and be. Just be.